I’m now almost four months pregnant. Throughout my first trimester, I took notes so I could tell you about how I felt. Physically and psychologically. You know me, there will be no taboos here. No filters. I told you about my miscarriage after 9 months of trying to have a baby. And I will speak to you with an open heart about this pregnancy that makes us so happy but that is not everyday easy and sometimes different from what we imagined. This is obviously my personal experience. Each, I think, experiences her pregnancy differently. Some continue to live their lives as before and have energy to spare until the last stretch. I must say that I envy them! Others will be sick throughout their pregnancy. I love to read pregnancy stories myself or listen to them on podcasts so I hope that my testimony will help, reassure and make smile some of you. Enjoy!

Prologue

My husband and I started trying to have a baby while we were still living in Japan in December 2018. I have been taking the birth control pill for over 15 years. I knew it could take time to make a baby, but I secretly hoped it would work right away as we hear so often on TV, in podcasts or from friends. After the first month we tried to have a baby, I was sure I was pregnant. I had a lot of symptoms including “iron taste in the mouth” symptoms that I didn't know at all before doing a google search. And my period were two days late so I decided to do my first pregnancy test. I didn't know it yet but it would be the first of a very long serie (I prefer not calculate how much it all cost me!) The test was negative. I didn’t believe it because I was nauseous, my breasts hurt, I had that iron taste in my mouth, I was even a little weak. In short, two days later I did a new test and it was still negative. Google and forums became my best friends at this time (very very bad idea by the way). Obviously I found testimonies from people for whom the tests were negative but who were pregnant anyway. So I decided to do a blood test. In Japan it’s not as simple as in France and moreover it’s expensive. But I needed to know. We got the result few days later: I was officially not pregnant. I was in shock and the next day I had my period for the first time since I stopped taking the birth control pill.

The following menstrual cycles, I thought I had pregnancy’s symptoms every time. Every month I did a pregnancy test and every month it was negative. Each month I was a little more desperate and was losing hope to get pregnant one day. In June 2019, we moved to Amsterdam. We were super happy. We spent the full summer just two of us, relaxed, because none of us were working yet. In August, finally, my monthly pregnancy test was positive!! I did it twice to be sure because on the first one, the lines were really clear. We both cried of joy. We were so happy. A week later, we announced the good news to our families. But at 7 weeks, of pregnancy the worst happened: I had a miscarriage. We've been waiting for this moment for 9 months and life stole it from us just like that. Yes, 1 in 4 women is having a miscarriage. But this fact doesn’t make the pain go away.

As you can imagine, it was a huge shock. For me, but also for my husband who, besides being sad, felt helpless with my despair. And the hellish cycle has resumed. Periods returned every month, and tears flowed as hope flew once again.

Since my miscarriage I was also suffering tremendously physically every time I had my period. Much more than usual. To the point of feeling nauseous and having to stay in bed. My doctor thought I had endometriosis and also wanted me to have fertility tests. An appointment was made at the hospital with a specialist for February 7, 2020.

We celebrated Christmas and the New Year's Eve. I always had this coming meeting in mind which, I hoped, would finally bring me the answers I was looking for, for so long.

First symptoms and pregnancy test

In mid-January, we were going to Charentes, France, to celebrate Christmas offbeat with my family. I hadn't come back since June 2018. It felt so good. We arrived on a Thursday and the following Monday I was supposed to have my period. My menstrual cycles were rather regular, 27 or 28 days, so as every time, the countdown started. I was trying not to be fooled and therefore to convince myself that I would have my period again.

But a thing or two intrigued me. First, I had no premenstrual symptoms (extreme pain in the ovaries, migraines etc.) that I usually had. Secondly, during the weekend I had severe gastric reflux which even prevented me from sleeping. I’ve never had one before. I quickly looked on google and discovered that sometimes it could be a symptom of pregnancy. I decided not to get carried away but I couldn’t help myself to hope.

In the night from Sunday to Monday, I couldn't sleep. I promised myself I would wait to see if I was late to do a pregnancy test (I brought to my mother's house three pregnancy tests, I was far-sighted) but I became too impatient. My pregnancy tests were supposed to be able to detect a pregnancy even four days before the day my period was suppose to start. And at worst, if it was too early, I would do an other test a few days later (you understand how I was able to do more than thirty pregnancy tests during the period we tried to have a baby haha).

It must have been around 4 or 5 am when I discreetly slipped away with my pregnancy test in the toilet. I struggled, as usual and despite the intensive training, to pee directly on the stick, but finally I saw that the test worked.

A few seconds later, a circle with a cross appeared on the test. I could not believe my eyes. I went back to bed and couldn't resist sharing the news directly with my husband, who was deeply sleeping. He opened his eyes and understood the news right away when he saw my smug smile and the test I was holding in my hand. We were obviously very happy but also on the reserve. When you have experienced a miscarriage, the naivety of pregnancy disappears forever, replaced by worry ...

The next day, I announced the news to my mother and sister. Two days later it was announced to my father and then to my husband’s parents via Skype. Even though we feared another miscarriage, it was essential for us to share the news with our family. Even more this time because I had the opportunity to speak to them face to face. The timing was too perfect.

Extreme fatigue and vomiting

Very quickly I felt extremely tired. I, who never took a nap, suddenly had to sleep at least three hours each afternoon and go to bed much earlier. I also had very very sore breasts. I found it hard to sleep on my side as usual because it was too painful for my chest. And then the even less glamorous symptoms: reflux and constipation. Ah, we don't talk about it much, but constipation and bloating are terrible. After a few weeks of pregnancy you would have thought I was 4 months pregnant because of bloating. And yet I ate fiber, vegetables etc and I drank a lot of water (1.5 liters or 2 liters per day as recommended) but nothing helped.

From 6 weeks amenorrhea (SA) of pregnancy (this means that the pregnancy has been counted since the first day of the last period. I would always talk about my weeks of pregnancy in this way because midwives only use this system. Basically there is 2 weeks difference with the "real age" of the baby which starts during fertilization) to fatigue was added nausea and a weight on the stomach that never left.

On January 31, at 8SA, I vomited for the first time. I have been nauseous for a while, but I must say that this vomiting really caught me by surprise. I was doing my housework without any symptoms and a second later I felt nausea rising, I rushed to the toilet and I vomited in stride. Basically, in less than three seconds I went from "I'm fine" to "I have my head in the toilet bowl".

It really worried me. What if it happens to me at work? (I worked as a saleswoman in a shop that I managed alone). What if it happens to me on public transportation, on the street? So I decided to always have plastic freezer bags in my bag in case I wanted to throw up.

I used to eat only fresh fruit in the morning for breakfast. These same fruits no longer could be digested. Immediately after eating I had to run to the toilet to vomit. So I decided to stop eating fruits and eat two wholemeal toast with butter and jam instead. The same goes for raw salad. And oh miracle, I didn't vomit anymore.

On the other hand, the nausea persisted. Only the chickpea crisps didn't make me sick and even stopped nausea. So I ate it almost all day long. Fortunately these crisps are full or proteins, much less caloric than conventional crisps and without any additives.

The first ultrasound

Do you remember the February 7th appointment that I had with a fertility specialist? Amazing coincidence but our first ultrasound was schedules that same day (I obviously canceled the other appointment). Like a nod to fate.

Small aside before telling you about this first ultrasound. In the Netherlands, pregnancy follow-up is completely different from the way it’s done in France. I did not have a blood test to confirm my pregnancy. A midwifery office will take care of all the follow-up as well as my delivery and postpartum care.

Here, you only see a gynecologist if you have a risky pregnancy and / or medical problems. And the follow-up is very little medical. There is usually an initial ultrasound at 7SA, another one at 12SA. Then a long ultrasound to check all the organs one by one at 20SA and finally a last ultrasound at 32SA. A single blood test is performed around 12SA. No urine tests, no weight monitoring, no toxoplasmosis test (they think everyone should pay attention to it, even supposedly immunized people) and minimal number of ultrasound. Midwives are checking that everything is ok by the touch of the belly. Another big difference, no internal exam! Nobody has tampered with my vagina yet and I appreciate that!

Here, the follow-up is mainly based on discussions and the well being of the mom, the baby and also the dad. We talk a lot and I like it. I want the most natural pregnancy and childbirth possible, so it suits me perfectly.

Let's come back to this first ultrasound. We were looking forward to it so much. I really needed to be reassured. Last September, this first echo turned into an echo to verify my miscarriage ... so I wanted to erase this bad memory. And it's the same midwife who did the ultrasound on that day. She was so happy to see us again and especially to tell us the great news: our baby was doing very well. I think it’s impossible to express the emotion that you feel the first time you see your baby on the ultrasound and see that little heart beating. We both cried a lot. Cry of Joy but also of relief. I think until that date, I didn't really allow myself to believe it. I didn’t allow myself to be happy. Of course it was still early, and anything could happen, but this first step was essential and we passed it.

Fatigue and depression

From 7SA and 8SA a new symptom that I did not expect appeared: I no longer wanted to do anything. Nothing at all. And I'm not talking about to eat. I'm talking about not wanting to get out of bed, getting dressed, reading, going on Instagram, cooking, seeing friends. I didn't want anything. At first I didn't call it depressed because I was super happy to be pregnant but weeks passed, and this unpleasant feeling, this desire for NOTHING, settled in without ever leaving me. I had to admit, I was feeling depressed.

Fatigue obviously didn't help. I had no strength and spent most of the time sleeping. I only left my bed to go to lunch or dinner. My husband took care of everything. He is so wonderful. I had to miss several days of work because I didn't have the strength to even stand up and no motivation for anything. I didn't even want to eat chocolate anymore !!! This really worried me. And then Instagram started to disgust me. I couldn't stand watching my feed anymore, other people’s lives. I no longer touched my camera. I had nothing left to post but anyway, I didn't want to share anything. It was really a terrible feeling. I felt extremely frustrated. All the more, that I’m also self-employed and that Instagram is my showcase for finding clients as a photographer and content creator. So I found myself unemployed but without compensation.

In fact, I only wanted one thing, that weeks go by quickly. I wanted this first trimester to be over, this pregnancy to be over to finally have my baby in my arms. I knew it was not possible so I was impatiently waiting for the next ultrasound to see my baby again. I was also waiting to be able to feel the baby move to realize that it was all real.

Around 10SA I started having sleeplessness. I’ve never had one in my life. I always slept well. So I was even more tired. On the other hand, the nausea subsided but I would have vomited in all only 4 or 5 times during this first trimester.

I still hadn’t desire for nothing. I received packages and I didn’t even open them when I would normally rush into them. The only thing I could do was watching series but nothing new, that required too much attention. I watched again all the Grey's anatomy’s episodes from the start. I watched the first 8 seasons again.

I was also anxious about the baby again. I would almost need an ultrasound per week to reassure myself, but I know it's impossible ... I had to wait until February 29 for the 12SA ultrasound.

February 13rd was another sleepless night. I woke up more than 7 times. In the morning I looked like a zombie. I couldn't stand, I was too weak, as if my blood pressure had dropped .. I couldn't go to work. When I called my employers to warn them, they told me that they would finally not renew my contract which ended one month later, mid-March. I had already announced my pregnancy to them the week before, to explain why I couldn't come to work at the moment. 8 hours standing up a day and managing everything in the shop was sometimes beyond my strength. Obviously, they assured me that it was not because of my pregnancy but not renewing my contract had never been considered before so I am a little skeptical. And in any case, doing that to a woman who was three months pregnant is not very nice... In short, it was a big blow. Especially for our finances because it’s thanks to this income that we we able to pay all our expenses each month, in addition to my husband’s income.

And definitely this day did not get better because my best friend, who was pregnant at the same time as me, announced to me that she had lost her baby. It was not a spontaneous miscarriage but the baby’s heart stopped beating and the baby stopped growing a few weeks ago. I was so sad for her. And this tragic news only reinforced my concerns about my own pregnancy.

A few days later, I had an appointment with one of my midwives to discuss the follow-up procedure, etc. I took this opportunity to tell her about what happened and to ask her if it would be possible to do an ultrasound to check that everything is fine because I was worried to death. As always, the midwife was very understanding and managed to find me an appointment the next day to have the ultrasound.

The ultrasound went great. Our baby has grown well and his heart is beating really well. I think I'm crying even more than the first time because I imagined the worst. I was finally more serene.

Pee, blues and good news

I always had a small bladder, but from 11SA I spent my life in the bathroom. Every 30 minutes I had to pee. And I would wake up 10 times a night to go to the bathroom. I already imagined living in the toilet at the end of my pregnancy since it’s supposed to be worse in the last trimester haha. Or wearing diapers!

My jeans were getting tighter and tighter. It's been a while since I used the elastic technique to be able to close my jeans because I could no longer close the button. But the more it goes the more I have to enlarge the elastic. I feel like my hips have widened too. I started to think seriously about buying pregnancy jeans and hanging out more and more on Vinted looking for them.

On February 29th I had my dating ultrasound. This time I had no fear and it was only happiness. Our baby was doing well. He was moving a lot. He even put his hand in his mouth. It's incredible knowing that it was only 5 cm! We were fascinated. My husband, who was afraid of not being connected to the baby until after delivery, has become a daddy since the first ultrasound. And it is increasing from week to week. We talk to the baby every day, and fondle my belly.

On March 5th, I took a blood test. I did the NIPT test which makes it possible to detect Down's Syndrome but also the possible anomalies of two other chromosomes. It’s not mandatory in the Netherlands before 38 years old (I’m going to be 33 years old) and you have to pay to take the test, but we wanted to do it. A few days later, it was the relief: the results were normal.

The first quarter has ended. My stomach started to round. I was still so tired and I have to admit, depressed. I told my midwife about it, and she strongly recommended that I consult a psychologist specialized in depression and pregnancy. She was reassuring because this depressive state could simply be caused by hormones. Generally between 14 and 16SA hormonal changes occur and you feel great again.

A new symptom also appeared: intense daily migraines. I’m a basic migraine sufferer but at this moment I was unable to take my usual medication. Migraines subsided only when I was sleeping. It was almost torture to be awake. Fortunately these migraines lasted only ten days.

I put all my hopes in the second trimester which is supposed to be the best of pregnancy!

Well, that's it for the story of this first trimester. Thanks for reading all the way. Feel free to leave me a comment here or on my Instagram post.

Take care.

See you soon,

Noémie